Normally, I am a pretty laid back person.  I tend to be pretty accepting of most people's idiosyncracies. As a matter of fact, most of my friends are pretty strange AND I teach middle school.  Suffice it to say, I think I may have the patience of Job.  However, there are times when my legendary patience runs thin (other than that special time of the month) and I feel the urge to open up a fresh can of whup ass!  Here are a few things that make me want to pull out my can opener:

1)  Tall People Who Always Feel the Need to be In Front -- Ok, tall people have an advantage over the average or the "vertically challenged" person. Why do tall people feel like they have to be in front at events where everyone has to be standing up? I was at concert where it was standing room only. I didn't care, I just wanted to see Ben Folds.  There was a guy who had to be at least 6'3".  He kept pushing me to get in front.  Finally I said, "Look dude! You have to be at least a whole foot taller than me.  You could eat a fucking bowl of soup off of  my head.  Surely you can see over it!"  After giving me the obligatory "Fuck you", I gave him my usual reply of "Take a number."

2)  People Who Are Attatched to Their Cell Phones -- I understand that we are living in the "age of communication" and we have busy, fast-paced lives.  But, please realize a few things:  a) Everyone isn't coordinated enough to drive and talk on their cell phones at the same time.  It's ok. This is not a negative reflection on you.  These two activities require a fair amout of concentration and dexterity.  If you know you aren't the most coordinated person in the world, please remember the other drivers who would like to make their turns or make the light.  Here's a test. If you can't EFFORTLESSLY pat your head and rub your tummy at the same time you probably don't have the coordination to drive and talk on the phone at the same time.  GET A DAMN EARPIECE OR HEADSET FOR YOUR PHONE! They are relatively cheap now, much cheaper than an accident or a ticket.  b) If you can't go without having your cell phone on for less than 2 1/2 hours, then perhaps you may have to catch that movie when it comes out on DVD.  For crying out loud! Turn off your phone in the theater and if you forget and it rings DON'T ANSWER IT!  I am not interested in hearing your conversation. I just wanted to see a movie. $8.50 ain't cheap!

3)  No Offense But... --  Why do people say this, but say something offensive anyway?  Are they really trying not to be offensive, or is it something that people say to make it easier to say something offensive?  It's in the same vein as "Don't take this personally, but..."  Isn't it personal?

4)  People Who Are Rude to Waitstaff and Other Service Employees -- People who have to serve other people have some of the most trying jobs.  I can't stand when I see them get berrated for making simple mistakes.  Sure, it's inconvenient, but it is not that big of a deal. These waiters / waitress sometimes have worked long hours on their feet and have dealt with other rude customers all day.  If they give you a regular Coke when you asked for a Diet Coke, it wasn't personal.  They didn't go in the back and say "Hey, the people at table 4 are dicks. Let's screw up their order." Face it, you are not that important. Waitstaff can have up to 30 to 40 people in one station. They have to remember the orders and specific needs of all of those people.  And you know how picky and specific some patrons can be. "Yes, I want a chicken Caesar salad with no chicken and no parmesian cheese.  I also want half Caesar Dressing and half fat free Italian dressing.  Got that?  Oh, yeah...I don't like these lemons you bought with my water. Do you have limes instead?" 

5)  People Who Talk Nonstop in a Movie Theater -- See #2b. In addition, I can understand making a few comments about something that is happening in the movie, but when you are talking about finally going on your cruise next week or your tilted uterus, you just need to go home and talk about it later. (If you are wondering, these are real conversations I had the misfortune of hearing while trying to enjoy a movie.)

6)  People Who Feel It's Ok to Use Racial Slurs About Other Ethnic Groups Around You Because You Are Not a Member Of That Group (whew) -- I had a college roommate who was probably one of the most self-centered people I've ever met.  She had a strange habit of finding the need to change clothes whenever I had male company over.  When they attempted to leave the room to give her some privacy, she would  say it was no big deal and change right in front of them.  Most of them were shocked.  One particular friend, Mario, was offended.  Anyway, at one time most of my study partners from my Listening to Music Class and my Sociology classes were Hispanic males -- very attractive ones, *sigh*.  One day my roommate looked at me and said, "Hey, are you like dating spics now?" I was stunned.  I didn't know what to say. After I recovered from her remark, I replied "No, but I'm meeting a couple of crackers at the library later."

7) Tailgaters - By saying this, I may get a ticket tomorrow, but I rarely drive 35 mph..I like to keep it around 40 - 42 mph on the street.  So when I am being tailgated, I know this person can't be insinuating that I'm driving too slow. It's not my fault they are late to work or have to pee.  GET OFF MY ASS!